Anxiety disorder is the most common mental illness in the US. It affects roughly 18% of adults and 25% of children between 13 and 18 years old in the United States every year.
Despite it being such a common condition (as common as the flu), it still retains a stigma of weakness. This can make it difficult to admit there even is an issue or dare to reach out for help.
When I first started struggling with anxiety in my mid-20s it took me about a year to realize what was even happening. Finding the right kind of support that fit my individual needs after that, also took a while.
I’m in my early 30s now and I’ve overcome my anxiety. Even though it took me about 5 years, every little step on that journey was a huge deal and the quality of my life improved dramatically.
In this article, I want to share the 3 main strategies I used to overcome my anxiety.
1. I Used Medication As A Temporary Support
Once I came to realize that I had a problem, I sought professional help. The first thing they prescribed to treat the anxiety was antidepressants.
Overall I think antidepressants are quite helpful, particularly in the early, more intense stages of fighting with anxiety. They gave me the feeling that there is help out there and that I don’t have to deal with it all on my own.
The medication that was an absolute game changer and a big help for me was prescription tranquilizers such as Xanax.
Prescription tranquilizers are used for short term management of anxiety disorders. In other words, If you are experiencing an anxiety attack, taking one tablet can stop it and relax you within less than an hour.
People are often afraid of taking prescription tranquilizers because they can be very addictive. That’s why doctors are less likely to prescribe it at first, but if your anxiety is getting out of hand, be sure to inform yourself about your options. Medication can support you in your recovery.
At the time knowing that there was something I could take to stop an anxiety attack was a really big deal. It gave me a huge sense of safety and helped regain more control over my mind and body.
Medication is a great help when treating an anxiety disorder, however, it isn’t enough. To truly overcome it, you need to do more.
2. I Limited The Sources Of My Anxiety
Causes for anxiety as well as types and severity of anxiety disorders vary from person to person. Some of the external factors that cause anxiety according to webMD include stress at work, stress from school, marital problems, financial difficulties, a death of a loved one, medical illness, drug use, etc.
Identifying the external factors that might be contributing to your anxiety can help you limit their influence over your life and consequently limit your anxiety.
So if your job is causing you anxiety, best look for a new one. Putting career over one’s mental health can end really badly. It’s enough to look at celebrities like Amy Winehouse or Avicii, who were pushed to perform, even though they both didn’t want to anymore.
The same goes for school issues.
In my architecture studies I’ve had a few verbally abusive professors. They’d scream at students, tear up their work and make girls cry.
They were old and well established at my university, so there was little that could be done about their behaviour.
At some point, I made a decision to skip every second class of one of these professors. Even though it didn’t fully eliminate the verbal abuse, just having to deal with it only half of it, already made a huge difference.
Often it’s going to be impossible to completely eliminate the source of anxiety in your life, but limiting it just a little bit can be a big relief.
In my opinion, a really big external source of anxiety are family issues. Sometimes the people emotionally closest to us can be the ones that do the most damage.
Unfortunately, this was the case for me. My family was the biggest source of my anxiety. Limiting contact with them was absolutely necessary for my recovery.
Small, one-off changes, can be a huge help in this regard.
For example, me deciding to spend Xmas with Gabriel alone, instead of participating in the large family gathering, had a huge positive impact on my mental health.
Saying “No.” and setting boundaries with family can be challenging, but it’s important that you take steps to protect and take care of yourself.
3. I Found A Safe Space To Talk About My Issues
Talking about your anxiety is absolutely necessary to process and overcome it.
It is easy to get lost and overwhelmed with your own thoughts and feelings. There are times when your brain can feel like an endless maze of memories and emotions. It can be really hard to make sense of it.
Conversations force us to formulate the thoughts in our heads and as we do that, we become clearer on what the actual issue at hand is.
In my experience, it is mostly enough to have someone just listen to me, for me to gain clarity on the situation and figure out a solution.
Moreover, having an outsider listen to your problems, can help you look at the issue from their point of view.
Gaining an outsider’s perspective can really clarify your situation.
It’s easy to blame yourself for someone else’s toxic behaviours in your own head.
Telling someone about an abusive incident can really help to see the injustice and put the responsibility where it belongs.
For example, when one of my professors first screamed at me and tore up my architectural model, I felt that it was my fault because my design wasn’t good enough.
However, after talking about it to some of my classmates, I realised that he did it to everyone. No matter how much work you had put into the assignments, he would always find reasons to shout and destroy people’s work.
This made me realize his reaction had nothing to do with me. That professor was just an abusive person, letting out his anger at every single student in his class.
Conclusion
Overcoming anxiety is a long and complicated process. However, every little step on the way to recovery can really change things for the better.
Although pervasive, mental health issues are still stigmatized in our society. This can make it hard for you to ask for help.
That’s why it’s important to remember that you’re not alone with it.
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They say jealousy is a relationship killer. It can start arguments, cause resentment to build and destroy trust between you and your partner.
A quick google search reveals that jealousy and possessiveness in relationships are things that people seem to struggle with a lot.
Most of the advice I’ve come across focuses on how to overcome jealousy, stop controlling/possessive behaviors, manage thoughts etc. Being jealous seems to be perceived as a completely negative trait that needs to be eliminated.
It makes sense that since these kinds of feelings cause so many problems, people want to simply get rid of them.
But is completely getting rid of jealousy in your relationship actually necessary or something you would want? Let’s be honest here. I haven’t met a single person that doesn’t enjoy their partner being a little jealous or possessive from time to time, including myself.
The two most commercially successful love stories of the decade: The Twilight Saga and Fifty Shades Trilogy both feature extremely possessive and controlling male leads.
So what’s the deal with here? Why do we all claim to want to reject jealousy from our lives and then secretly enjoy it?
People attempt to stop being jealous because they see that it is hurting their relationship. However, in my personal experience, you don’t need to eliminate jealousy completely in order to limit its negative effects. It’s enough to change your attitude towards it!
Both Gabriel and I are jealous people. Yet it isn’t an issue in our relationship. It doesn’t make us fight, we don’t obsessively spy on each other, or go through each other’s phones. Jealousy doesn’t feel like such a big deal to us, it is even a bit of a turn on factor…
I’m going to break down the different types of jealousy (including the bad ones) and help you get a better understanding of what you’re feeling and when you need to do something about your jealousy.
1. Own Your Insecurities And Let Your Partner Build You Up
A lot of the relationship advice says that jealousy in relationships stems from insecurity. We feel jealous because we don’t appreciate our own value. We see other people as “better” (prettier, smarter, more fit, richer, etc), which makes us feel inadequate and we become afraid of being replaced.
No matter how confident you are, there is always some area that’s just not your forte. Everyone is a bit insecure in one way or another.
This fear of being “replaceable” is something I’ve struggled with a lot. From my personal experience, there is no better way to build yourself up than have your partner do it for you.
Don’t bottle up your insecurities and let them eat you from inside. If you feel inadequate, tell your partner about it. Be vulnerable. Let them in, show them your weaknesses, give them a chance to reassure you and build you up.
Admitting to feeling jealous because of your insecurities can actually build trust in your relationship and deepen your emotional connection.
2. Being Jealous Can Be A Sign Of Being Protective
There are people in this world to whom stealing other people’s partners is a fun pastime. I personally have known girls who never dated a guy, who was single. The thrill of being “the other woman” was too tempting for them… Now, regardless of their reasons, these kinds of people like to impose.
Sometimes you’ll find your partner unwittingly reciprocating advances coming from such a person, just because they don’t know how to fend them off.
I’m sure everyone has once been in a situation like this. Gabriel used to get hit on by older woman a lot and I had a similar problem with older men.
You don’t want to tell them to take a hike, because you don’t want to be rude, but they’re being so relentless and you’re just stuck accommodating them because you don’t know how to get out.
These kinds of situations happened to us at parties, bars, dance courses or even at work.
It’s very important that if something like this is happening, you recognize it and don’t attack your partner about it. They are just a victim here.
Take your jealousy and use it to stand your ground, to politely but firmly set some clear boundaries with the person imposing.
This kind of jealousy is actually really helpful, it can give you a momentary boost of confidence. It can be so powerful that even one heated glance can be enough to let the person flirting with your partner know that they are crossing a line and best back off…
Channeling your jealousy in this way can even boost your partner’s sense of safety and make you feel more empowered and in control.
3. There Is Nothing Wrong With Being Territorial
If you and your partner have agreed to a monogamous relationship, well then being territorial is part of the package.
There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to yourself and making that clear to others. This is your mate after all.
This is not to be confused with being controlling and allowing no freedom for your partner. Being territorial is about establishing and protecting your turf in your relationship, not overextending.
So for example, if you’re at a party and you see your boyfriend/husband talking to another girl, go over there, put a hand around his waist and ask to be introduced. Gestures like this communicate very clearly to your “competitor” that your partner is taken and off bounds.
It is perfectly normal to feel jealous in situations like this. Sometimes you have to fight for your relationship and show your partner, that you want them all to yourself.
4. When Jealousy Gets Out Of Hand
Last but not least, it’s important to mention that jealousy can get out of hand. This, of course, is a problem.
If you find yourself secretly going through your partner’s phone, spying on them or not letting them meet their friends, this is a sign of a deeper issue.
In this case, the problem goes beyond jealousy.
Repressing those feelings and trying to control these kinds of behaviors will not last..
If you’re at this point, you and your partner definitely need to talk about this and figure it out. It’s a sign that things are getting out of hand and that your relationship is heading down a slippery slope.
Conclusion
Jealousy is an important indicator, do not ignore or repress it!
It can help you protect your partner and fight for your relationship.
What’s more, it can actually bring you and your partner closer together, strengthen the trust and deepen your emotional bond.
Owning your jealousy can feel vulnerable and scary but it definitely pays off in the long run.
It is best, to not direct your jealousy at your partner, but instead at the person, whom you are jealous of. Don’t be aggressive, but be assertive and let them know the boundaries.
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How do you deal with jealousy in your relationship? What parts do you struggle with the most?
Being able to effectively communicate with your partner is extremely important. It helps avoiding conflicts, prevents misunderstandings, allows for trust to build between you and your significant other, and deepens your emotional connection.
It can simplify your relationship and make it a lot more enjoyable.
So how do you effectively communicate with your partner?
From a scientific point of view, communication is nothing more than a transfer of information between two people’s brains. Since our brains don’t come equipped with Bluetooth or wifi, the fastest communication channel available to us humans is speaking and listening.
The person speaking is sending the information out of their brains and the person listening is receiving it.
One of the biggest issues preventing couples from communicating effectively with each other is their inability to listen.
It used to be the biggest problem in our relationship too. We fought a lot about it and it took us about a year and a half to figure it out.
In this article, I’m going to share with you three simple hacks, that both Gabriel and I use on a daily basis to communicate effectively with one another.
1. Reflective Listening
The first necessary step in order for communication to happen is letting your partner know you have received the information that they just gave you.
In other words, you have to let them know you heard what they just said. The purpose of reflective listening is making your partner feel heard.
In my personal experience, the easiest and by far the most effective way to make another person feel heard is repeating what they just said word for word.
Reading this you’re most probably thinking “whaaat?!”. I know it just seems like an incredibly silly idea. But it works!
In order to illustrate how this silly but powerful hack works, I will give you some examples of our conversations with Gabriel:
Example one:
Karolina:“Hey, how was your day?” Gabriel:“Hey, ugh I’m so irritated coz the sink in our office kitchen was clogged” Karolina:“You’re irritated coz the sink in your office kitchen was clogged?” Gabriel:“Yeah, it kept on making really loud sucking noises all day long” Karolina:“Uhh, it was making loud sucking noises all day long?” Gabriel:“Yeah, it was incredibly annoying”
Example two:
Gabriel:“What’s up?” Karolina:“I feel so crap” Gabriel:“You feel crap?” Karolina:“Yeah, my back is hurting and I just feel so depressed” Gabriel: “Your back is hurting and you feel depressed?” Karolina:“Yeah, think I’m about to get my period. Periods suck!” Gabriel:“Not that I would know, but yeah! Periods suck!”
As you can see in the examples above repeating what your partner said word for word opens them up allows them to express more of what they are feeling.
It seriously worked wonders for us! So even though it might seem silly, try it out and see for yourself!
This simple hack has its limits though. You can’t just continuously repeat what your partner is saying to you. If you do it too much, they’ll feel like you’re mocking them.
It is a really good tool at the beginning of a conversation, it will open your partner up. But if you want to keep the communication going you gotta move to step two:
2. Validate Their Feelings
Let’s face it, validation is something everybody craves really desperately. We all want to hear that what we feel matters, that it’s important and that we’re right to feel this way.
Validating your partner’s feelings is a really important step for effective communication. It lets them know that you have their back It builds trust between the two of you and opens them up even more.
The easiest most effective way for validating another person’s feelings is in my experience agreeing with them.
In our relationship, we often say things like “that’s so true” or “you’re right” etc to validate the other one’s feeling in a conversation.
In order to illustrate how validation works I will expand the dialogue in one of the already mentioned examples:
Gabriel:“What’s up?” Karolina:“I feel so crap” Gabriel: “You feel crap?” Karolina:“Yeah, my back is hurting and I just feel so depressed” Gabriel:“Your back is hurting and you feel depressed?” Karolina:“Yeah, think I’m about to get my period. Periods suck!” Gabriel:“Not that I would know, but yeah! Periods suck!” Karolina:“Why do I have to go through this crap every single month?! Nature is so unfair!” Gabriel:“You’re right, nature is really unfair!” Karolina:“It really is unfair! Thanks… That made me feel a bit better”
Everybody is so validation hungry, that you’re just agreeing with your partner can be a huge deal to him/her.
In my parents’ relationship, they validated each other so little, that when my dad would say to my mum “you’re right!” she would jokingly pull out her phone and say “can you repeat this? I gotta record this!”
In our relationship with Gabriel, we validate each other a lot. Phrases like “you’re right” or “that’s so true” are sort of a default response to anything that the other person is saying.
So much so that sometimes when Gabriel says something to me and I’m totally distracted and don’t register a word he just said I initially respond with “you’re so right!” and then quickly add “Can you repeat everything you just said? I was totally distracted..” He does that too. We laugh about it a lot.
Being generous with validation is a really good habit to develop in your relationship. You agreeing with your partner proves to them that you’re on their side and that you have their back.
Everybody is so validation hungry, that even if your “you’re right!” feels a bit fake, chances are your partner won’t even notice that. Seriously, try it out!
3. Empathize
My third and final hack for effective communication in a relationship is empathy.
Empathizing is all about putting yourself in your partner’s shoes, imagining how you’d feel in this situation and what you’d need to hear, and using it to make your partner feel better.
In a way, empathy is like giving kindness. It’s an active effort of taking care of your partner’s needs.
To illustrate how empathy is the final step of effective communication I will continue to expand the same example from before. This time I will divide it into the three steps: Active listening, Validation, and Empathy
Reflective Listening:
Gabriel: “What’s up?” Karolina: “I feel so crap” Gabriel: “You feel crap?” Karolina:“Yeah, my back is hurting and I just feel so depressed” Gabriel: “Your back is hurting and you feel depressed?” Karolina: “Yeah, think I’m about to get my period. Periods suck!” Gabriel: “Not that I would know, but yeah! Periods suck!”
Validation:
Karolina:“Why do I have to go through this crap every single month?! Nature is so unfair!” Gabriel: “You’re right, nature is really unfair!” Karolina:“It really is unfair! Thanks… That made me feel a bit better”
Empathy:
Gabriel:“Makes sense you feel depressed, it’s crazy you have to go through this every month..” Karolina:“Yeah, it really is crazy… This month is particularly bad though” Gabriel:“It really sucks that this month is particularly bad… Is there anything I can get you that would help? Hot water bottle?” Karolina:“You’re the best! 💗”
This third and final step is actually the first time when you can try to make your partner feel better and offer them your help.
When communicating with a loved one who is upset, people tend to jump straight into trying to help them right away. It is a mistake that I have made many times too.
That’s why it is important that you use these steps in the right order. You start by making your partner feel heard, then validate their feelings and only then you can move onto empathy.
There is no point in validating another person’s feelings if they don’t feel heard first. Similarly, there is no point in empathizing with someone who doesn’t feel like you agree with them.
The lack of effective communication is a common problem in relationships. It used to be a big problem in our relationship too. These three hacks really helped feel closer and more connected. We still use all of them on a daily basis.
In case you’re looking for more ways to improve communication and feel more connected in your relationship, be sure to check out our Free 4-Day Relationship Challenge.
It’s been designed to help women understand the typical mistakes and misunderstandings that lead to relationship problems. You’ll receive a series of four fun challenges to help you fix things and feel closer to your partner.
A man’s world is very different from that of a women’s. It doesn’t operate by the same rules and although there may be greater freedoms in one area, others are restrained and often forbidden.
Not many women get a chance to glance behind the unspoken iron curtain that isolates men. As was the case with me, most men are utterly unaware of there even being a division or a set of unspoken rules.
It’s the world we’ve lived in our entire lives, so it’s normal to us. So piercing it as an outsider, is no easy feat.
Few women in my life were able to reach through these constructed barriers and gain my trust.
I’m going to share what allowed these women to achieve that, so that you can apply the same principles in your relationship to bring your man closer.
1. They Saw Me As An Ally, Not An Enemy
As a boy, I was frequently reminded of the fundamental differences between men and women.
I was made to understand that the way we think and our needs are inherently so fundamentally different, that this is what causes the inevitable conflicts and difficulties in relationships.
That this was the natural state of affairs and not much could be done about it.
Later I learned that girls were raised with a similar school of thought.
This attitude creates an early rift between the sexes, that can deepen with age. A set of prejudices and expectations that pits us against each other and only widens the chasm.
Women that were able to get through to me, did not believe the narrative of inherent conflict between the sexes.
First and foremost, they didn’t see me as a man, they saw me as a person.
A person, just like them. That was struggling in finding a place in the world and shelter from the bombardment of expectations and demands.
They understood, that although our worlds were vastly different. Our needs and desires were alike.
They saw a unique opportunity in teaching one another about, what the other’s world didn’t permit. This could create alliances to be reckoned with.
Being around that kind of attitude, built trust and brought me closer to my values and created more awareness of my own emotions.
2. They Understood That I Was An Unwitting Prisoner
The men’s world I grew up in severely restricted and frowned upon kindness and compassion. Emotions in general were thought of as a sign of weakness, that needed to be instantly quelled by ‘hardening’ your child.
By the time I’d freed myself from their jurisdiction, I was already numbed out and blind to my emotional needs.
Karolina had a great eye for spotting the emotional imprisonment of men and would take my side in the least expected moments.
Me: “Statement about how tough it can be for women in the world”
Karolina: “Is it any different for men really?”
I received empathy that pierced straight through the cage, I didn’t even realize surrounded me.
She wasn’t disagreeing with things being bad for women. She was empathising with predicaments men dealt with as well.
She was seeing the common thread in our suffering, the things that united us. Not what differentiated us.
The accumulation of these kinds of experiences softened me and made me less distant.
3. They Built Me Up & Encouraged Me
When I was in a vulnerable spot, Karolina didn’t take advantage of the situation by coming down on me or establishing an elevated position.
What some consider “just teasing” and “only joking”, wasn’t to her. She understood that words can diminish and disempower a man, especially if they were in a compromised position or their guard was down.
She understood that suggesting deficiencies or limitations (often under the guise of teasing or fun) reinforces existing limiting roles and beliefs. This take away an opportunity to grow out of them.
Instead, she was incredibly gentle encouraging, this allowed me to get back up on my feet and try again. It also showed me I could trust her and that she wouldn’t judge me or take advantage of my vulnerability.
4. They Had Little Regard For Authority
There is nothing more delightful than witnessing a woman not conform to what is expected of her.
Especially in the face of self appointed authority, who considers themselves.. well an authority and that that justifies them being condescending.
The harder an authority pushed, the harder they push back.
“What does this have to do with making a man less distant man?”’ You might ask.
Defiance requires strength and backbone. This character trait shows she’s willing to take a stand and protect what she cares about!
It creates a sense of protection and safety, which builds trust and can bring a man closer to you.
Don’t let anybody tell you men don’t experience fear and crave safety. That’s utter BS. We too have the same needs, we’re just not allowed to acknowledge, let alone express them.
5. They Sought To Build A Life For Themselves
Nothing is sexier than a woman building her own future. It’s the opposite of what many women are made to be and men are conditioned to expect.
You know what it secretly does for a man?
It frees him.
It means he isn’t expected to have it all figured out and fit the role of sole provider. It means he can build a future with you and share the responsibilities in your lives.
This creates a level of interdependence and freedom that nothing can rival. So don’t shy away from your ambitions, they’re an asset.
Conclusion
You may have noticed that all of these points have a common theme.
They describe women that lead.
Yes, Leadership is sexy. It’s trust inducing and means a man isn’t expected to have it all figured out. It means he can share the load of responsibilities and decision making with you!
I’ve heard women say they’re afraid men won’t find them attractive, that the only way to make it work is to be subservient, otherwise the men will feel inadequate and run away.
That may be the case for some, but know that a large portion of men crave these qualities in a women (often secretly). They’re simply very reluctant to admit it, since they’ve been reprimanded in their youth.
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In relationships, it can often feel like things are so complicated, they are never going to work out. But what makes relationships so damn complex?
A relationship consists of two people that have emotional, physical and sexual needs. Both partners try to have some or most of their needs met within their romantic relationship.
Both persons are also willing to do what they can to make their partner happy.
Two people with needs and a willingness to fulfil them? It shouldn’t be too difficult of a problem to solve right?
Unfortunately no, as you know It’s more complicated than that.
Emotions Makes Relationships Complicated
Whether you are aware of them or not, you’re carrying a lot of unprocessed emotions around on a daily basis.
More than you might like to think.
It’s something I refer to as ‘emotional backlog’. When we go through events in our lives there are many things that happen, that trigger emotional responses.
Unfortunately, we’re not often in a situation that permits us to freely express ourselves at that given moment and time. So what do we do then?
We repress our emotions and store them for later processing.
This is where the complication starts. We swallow it and put it into backlog, waiting for a better moment to deal with it. But in my experience, that moment often never comes.
It’s hard to find time or a safe space to process your emotions.
We’re busy. Like really busy! There’s always something happening in our lives. The next thing is already taking off, before the previous has even landed.
So our emotional needs are often neglected.
The greater issue here, is that we might live our lives this way. So when we get into a romantic relationship, we’re already carrying a big emotional backlog.
There are many things we’d like to talk about.
All at once, if you please.
You want to express and process all of those emotions. You want to feel heard, understood and validated and there’s so much to get through!
Of course you do, that’s how we process our worlds and emotions, we talk about them!
But so does your partner.
So multiply that emotional backlog times two, which as you can imagine, makes the relationship more complicated.
You both have unprocessed emotion that you’re eager to figure out. But you’re both trying to do so, at the same time. So neither of you can truly listen.
Not Listening Makes Relationships Complicated
Given that there is so much you’re both eager to share, you might find yourselves talking over each other a lot.
Karolina and I used to fight about not feeling heard or understood for the longest time.
This was because we were both so busy trying to get the other to listen!
The moment you start talking, your partner is already formulating an answer in their heads. Or they might immediately drift off into thinking about something that’s preoccupying them.
You might even notice their eyes glaze over while you’re talking to them.
So once you’ve said your part, ask your partner if they might summarise what you just said to them.
You’ll be lucky if they can reflect 20% back to you.
Why? Because they were preoccupied with their own thoughts and emotions and things they wanted to say.
This doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care! It’s that they’ve probably got just as much going on as you do. Their plate is so full, they have little room for anything else.
This is absurdly common and obviously makes relationships that much more complicated!
How could they not be, when you’re both only understanding a fraction of what the other is saying!
Frustration much?
Communicating About Communication Is The Solution
Your focus needs to shift from talking about your emotional backlog to talking about your ability to listen and to find ways of being heard!
In other words communicate about why it’s so difficult to communicate and why you or your partner seem to have a hard time listening. Try not to judge them for not listening, it’ll only shut them down. Be curious and ask questions, figure it out together!
You’ll never be a perfect listener, there’s always more to learn. I used to have the hardest time admitting I didn’t listen enough, but Karolina kept tell me she didn’t feel heard!
So even if you’re “doing the listening thing” it doesn’t mean you’re actively listening or that your partner feels understood.
What matters are the results, don’t just tick boxes. You’re doing it right, once your partner show signs of being heard. This is an ongoing process. So practice and keep at it!
Conclusion
The more you communicate about your communication difficulties, the more you’ll both be able to listen. In turn, you’ll have more space to talk about your emotional backlogs.
So keep your focus on why it’s so hard to communicate and what you can do to make it easier!
You’ll be surprised what might vulnerable stories might come up.
Keep talking about it. It’ll continue to clarify and over time this will make your relationship less complicated.
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If you’re having the experience of fighting over the smallest things in your relationship or seemingly arguing over the same topics time and time again.
Then know, that you’re not alone with this problem.
Everybody has it and we did too!
I’m going to share Karolina’s and my story on how we learned to stop fighting and break down the strategies and attitudes we developed, so that you can apply the lessons we learned, to your relationship!
This will help you gain clarity of why fights happen in your relationship and what you can do to reduce and even stop them.
When Karolina and I got together, we had our typical honeymoon phase and over the months issues began to surface.
The amount of fighting steadily grew and then escalated to an all-time high. We fought just like any other couple, over small and big things.
But we did our level best on trying to resolve fights together and understand why we were fighting. (So that we would fight less it in the future).
We didn’t know what we were doing at the time, but over the course of the years, the fights in our relationship took a steep nosedive.
What’s worth mentioning here, is not only did our fighting go down, the time an argument took to resolve went down as well! (Ranging from a few days of hostility to being solved within minutes.)
As all of this happened, there was gradually more space and energy to ENJOY our relationship.
For every fight we didn’t need to have any more, we had each others pleasurable company and space to do activities together.
We could invest all of the freed up time and energy into building the future we wanted for ourselves.
Before I get into the How to stop fighting, I’m going to briefly cover what a fight is and why it happens.
Gaining a deeper understanding of relationship conflicts, in general, is a helpful first step to solving this problem.
Let’s jump into it then.
1. What Fighting Is
Simply put, fighting is a conflict between two people in a relationship, where either or both disagree with the other’s statements, actions or behavior.
Here’s a brief overview of, what couples fight about most and how they do it.
What Couples Fight About
Sex
Time
Loyalty
Parents
Work
Destructive behaviors
Financial matters
Chores
These are universal topics that affect all of us and are often recurring.
With Karolina and myself, they would often start out as small things, then escalate into full-blown arguments.
Often the underlying reason for fighting didn’t even surface enough, to become the focus of a discussion.
Instead, we often lost sight of what the fight was even about to begin with!
This can lead to an endless “Who is right and wrong” with neither side wanting to back down. This happened to us a lot at the beginning.
What Happens During A Fight
Mean faces and gestures
Verbally attacking one another
Silent brooding & judgment
Withholding love and approval
Get physical (please don’t!)
And many more delightful human behaviors
What’s important to note here, is that these behaviors are the result of all previous efforts to negotiate have failed.
People don’t fight for fun, it’s hurtful and draining.
It’s a last resort. Even if you might seem to get there very fast.
Now, as I’m sure you’ve discovered for yourself, the above-mentioned methods are not very effective in getting you, what want from your partner.
In fact, they don’t resolve matters or elevate either of you.
On the contrary, they often reinforce the issue and tear you down.
2. Why Fighting Happens
We fight because we’re not getting what we need from our partner.
We’ve reached our limits and resort to forcing or manipulate one another into the behavior we need from them.
The fighting in a relationship may seem very complex and frequent. But if you listen and dig deep enough, you’ll often find that it boils down to very fundamental needs not being met.
For example, somebody might say:
“When you don’t take care of our home, I’m afraid it means you don’t care about me” or
“I feel really rejected and secondary when you come home so late” or
“When your mother made a snide remark about me and you didn’t call her out on it, it was telling me you believe I deserve to be treated badly”
On the surface, these are all very different scenarios, but they all have one thing in common.
A person is talking about feeling unwanted, uncared for or unloved. To illustrate this point:
Now, I cannot emphasize this enough.
No matter how complex a relationship problem may seem, even though fights can seem to be going nowhere and spiral out of control. If you listen closely, they all have the same underlying problem.
Somebody isn’t getting what they so desperately need. Which they don’t know how or where else to get!
Even if it is pragmatic problem, dig deep enough and you’ll find the counter piece (an emotional need not being met).
If it remains unaddressed long enough, that’s where a person would start to fight, in order to forcefully get what they want.
3. How To Stop Fighting In Your Relationship
In order to stop fighting in your relationship, you need to identify the underlying reasons behind your fights and address them.
So how do you get down to the underlying issue of an argument?
Write Down What You Fight About & Keep Track
Most couples fight about the same issues over and over again. These might appear to be unique arguments over different matters, but that’s just what’s happening on the surface.
For example:
Surface argument nr. 1: Karolina got upset about me dissing a movie she liked. Surface argument nr. 2: Karolina got upset about me not being interested in a university project of hers. Common underlying issue:Karolina felt like I wasn’t taking her seriously.
Another example:
Surface argument nr. 1:I was upset at Karolina, for not seeing the value in a book we read together. Surface argument nr. 2: I was frustrated at her when she didn’t remember what I had said to her the previous day. Common underlying issue:I didn’t feel heard or taken seriously.
Funnily enough, on both of our sides, we had the same underlying issue. That we didn’t feel taken seriously by the other.
Keep track of your arguments and see the ones that feel or might be similar and seem to repeat. This will help you identify underlying issues and you’ll be able to address them sooner.
We’re All Unique, But Similar
Everybody is a unique person, with their own background and experiences. But when it comes to our emotional needs, we tend to be quite similar.
Throughout our eight years of relationship, talking to other couples and families, we’ve observed that these are some of the most frequent issues that cause couples to fight:
Feeling unheard “Why can’t you just listen!”
Feeling undesired “Don’t you like me anymore?”
Feeling alone “We don’t talk or do anything together anymore.”
Feeling unsupported “Why do you always take their side?!”
Not being trusted “Why can’t you just trust me?!”
In our experience being able to identify the underlying issues in arguments, is half the battle.
You gain a whole different level of understanding in the relationship and get where both of you are coming from.
When you identify these issues while fighting, you might come to realize that you both have the same unmet needs!
The Power Of Addressing The Underlying Issue
As I wrote earlier, people resort to fighting because of an unmet emotional need.
So understanding the underlying issue is incredibly powerful because it allows you to meet your partner’s needs directly.
Once they feel like you get what they are missing, they’ll never have to resort to fighting techniques to try to extort that thing from you anymore.
It is such a powerful tool because it allows you to obliterate countless surface arguments all at once.
That’s what made it possible for us to reduce the number of our arguments so drastically.
Introducing The Blind Spot
But we all know it’s never really that simple, is it?
I’m afraid it’s time to drop a bomb. So buckle up and let’s get through it together!
Half of the time on your way to discovering that unmet emotional need, that is causing your fight, you might find it REALLY REALLY HARD to admit that your partner has an unmet need.
And vice versa, sometimes you’ll find that your partner is totally unwilling to acknowledge an unmet emotional need of yours, no matter how hard you try.
The reason for this is, that often in our childhood our parents could not meet that need for us.
So what we’re told, is that it doesn’t exist. And so we end up believing that emotional need doesn’t exist. ☹️
For example
I really needed Karolina to be more affectionate. However her family had a strict ‘no affection’ policy. They literally waved each other goodbye from a safe two meter distance and never hugged.
(You can imagine what it was like when Karolina introduced “Gabriel the hugger” to her family, her mother was thrilled. )
So when I needed Karolina to be more affectionate, she was like
“What do you mean affectionate? Does that mean you want to have more sex?”
She was totally unaware of her own unmet need for affection and consequently could not understand why I was upset about that.
An emotional blind spot is something you or your partner is literally blind to.
There is nothing you can say or do that will open their eyes. You can try shout, argue or cry but they simply will not see or understand.
Believe me, for YEARS I’ve tried to make Karolina see certain blind spots she has and vice versa, to no avail. We tried every trick in the book, I tell you, neither of us f*king budged.
When you’re having a fight with your partner and you’re trying to explain something to them, but they’re just stone walling.
*Alert* This is most likely a blind spot scenario.
They literally don’t understand what you mean. Heck they probably think YOU’RE mad for getting so upset about seemingly nothing.
What To Do About Blind Spots
The only way to deal with blind spots is to switch your attention from what you are upset about, to what they are blind to.
This is probably an incredibly touchy topic to them and they’re most likely not even aware of that. So time for some surgical precision. No pressure.
Everybody comes with some form of emotional baggage.
In order for a relationship to function, both parties must work together, chip away at their issues and limitations that were imposed on them when they were young.
I spent countless hours getting Karolina’s side and that’s what helped her become more affectionate towards me.
It took me being understanding, patient and affectionate towards her, for her to acknowledge the absence of it in her life and to learn that skill.
Now, it’s no longer a topic of discussion and I’m a happy man
There were just as many scenarios where Karolina needed something from me and I was blind to it and couldn’t give her what she wanted!
We addressed these, the same way!
Conclusion
Stopping fights in your relationships is a long term project and it requires both parties to try and make it work.
Believe me. You both have issues. (I didn’t want to hear it for the longest time)
We’re logical creatures and there is always a reason behind our behaviour, no matter how irrational it may seem at times.
Be gentle and patient with one another, never stop talking and don’t stop believing!
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What are your experiences with fights and how have you solved them? Let us know in the comments!
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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